Friday, September 30, 2011

The Keys to the Castle

I was recently sitting with two of my women friends talking about men, women and relationships. I mentioned an article by Arjuna Ardagh that creates the analogy between a woman and a temple with concentric circles. The more you are devoted to the temple, the deeper into the center of the concentric circles you may go. That is, if you are just visiting the temple once, you are allowed to enter the outer circle/room only. But as you spend more time devoted to the practice and worship, little by little, access to the inner most circles become granted.

Arjuna talked about how this is no different for women. The more you worship and honor a woman, little by little, more access to her inner most secrets, beauty, grace and intimacy is granted, sometimes, most of the time even, she doesn’t even consciously know what will unlock those doors. (I also wrote a blog further on the subject as I was so moved, Hopefully Romantic).

This got us talking about the keys to the castle. So what are the keys that open up the door to the castle of a woman’s heart, trust, love and beyond? We got down to something that is so simple and yet it is so elusive. Finding a partner who studies us, who watches when and how we shut down and learns to see the signals and see the warning signs and embraces us any way. Someone who doesn’t shut down or walk away when we shut down. Someone who doesn’t drive off when we are frustrated and throwing oranges at them. But rather someone who embraces ALL of us – our flaws and our imperfections as much as our strengths and our glory.

A man recently said to me and a friend as we were discussing this exact subject, “It is about authenticity not perfection.” He said he would rather have an authentic partner than one who is trying to be perfect. That when we are throwing a fit, early on, learns how to shut down or even in the future, prevent it from ever happening. This doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means being observant enough to learn and truly study and know us, or worship as Arjuna says.

The true keys to the castle aren’t lavishing us with things or taking us to fancy places or introducing us to important people or showing off certain skills. Rather, they are taking the time to know who we are, where we came from, why we act and react in certain ways.

You can find me at and and twitter @pilarstella.


  1. What a great post Pilar! Its about authenticity not perfection. The phrase rang so true to me, it gave me chills. Hope all is great in your life.
    I have a new blog Im passionate about as well. Hoping to help people in their personal transformations and healing processes.
    Much love,


  2. Also, can I use that phrase, do you mind? Who do I credit it to? Its just exactly what I was looking for. Thanks Pilar! Inspiring people as always :-)

  3. thanks sunshine...excited about your blog too...just saw this...hahaha...use it as you may ;) p